08 December 2006

Dear Santa,

I'm trying to decide which Rankin & Bass version of you is the least disturbing of the bunch.

First off, we have "Papa" Santa from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. You're mostly grumpy and disinterested towards your elves, storming off without a word when people are trying to perform just for you. You don't appreciate your wife. You lack vision and support bigotry amongst your reindeer, ostracizing impressionable youth over something they can hardly be expected to change.

You're also entirely too opportunistic. Would you really have decided to accept Rudolph into the top tier, were it not for the snow storm? Really? To back me up, I have "10 Reasons Why You Are Evil".

Then, there is Kris Kringle of Santa Claus is Comin' to Town. You endanger small children by giving them contraband items, items that could get them arrested and thrown in jail where they'd probably starve to death. Actually, not only do you do that--but you charge them for these items with "kissing." Are you "Sugar Daddy" Claus? That's pedophilia and encouragement of child prostitution, sir. It's obvious that you possess a sociopath's black and white view of the realities of good and bad, taking neither socioeconomic situation nor mere human emotion into the equation. Why else the puerile thinking that changing from bad to good is as easy as walking? (And what kind of crap filler song is "Put One Foot in Front of the Other" anyway? And why can't I get it out of my head?!)

And there has to be something innately wrong with you; why else would your parents have left you on the doorstep of Burgermeister--a man as likely to crush your tiny baby head with his jackboot as look at you? Obviously, your folks wanted you dead for a reason.

Actually, the version of you that I prefer is probably the one that most people dislike of your Rankin & Bass selves. Claus of The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus. Good natured and of a happy disposition, you like animals and speak for children's rights. You're well-educated and speak many different languages, and you seem to have a better grasp of the world than the other Santas. Okay, so you were raised by nymphs and wild animals--that just makes you that much cooler in my book.

Yes, the story itself has its creepy moments (Agwas); but you yourself within the story are the least creepy interpretation of Santa I have found in the Rankin & Bass world. So I would hope, if you were real, that you would be like him.

Just saying ...


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